* Love and marriage *
* Go together like A horse and carriage *
* This I tell ya, brother *
* You can't have one *
* Without the other *
* Love and marriage *
* It's an institute You can't disparage *
* Ask the local gentry *
* And they will say It's elementary *
* Try, try, try To separate them *
* It's an illusion *
* Try, try, try *
* And you will only come To this conclusion *
* Love and marriage **
Monday, 3:00, People's Court.
3:30... Wheel of Fortune.
4:00...
my time.
Hi, Mom. Where's Dad?
He went to get a haircut.
He didn't need a haircut.
I know, but that's where he and his friends
like to sit around and talk about
all they could have been in life,
so it shouldn't be long. Why?
He promised to give me another driving lesson today...
unless you'd like to do it. Please?
Well, what's wrong with your father?
He won't let me adjust the seat,
he keeps his foot poised over the brake,
and he yells, "Red light!
Stop! Stop! Stop!"
when it's still three blocks away.
I just know my roots are coming in gray.
And you know what the most irritating thing at all is?
The way he spits out the window.
No, It's instead of listening to real music,
he cranks up the oldies station.
Well, don't worry about it, honey.
Tomorrow, you'll pass your driving test
and have your very own license.
RADIO: * Rollin', rollin' *
* Rollin' on the river-- *
Well, Daddy's home.
I'll go get my jacket and my earplugs.
Peg, sell the house!
Why, Al?
Did you see a shirt somewhere you'd like?
Yes. It said, "Congratulate me. Wife's dead."
Down in the barbershop, I got a tip on a horse.
It's fate, Peg. His name is "Dr. Footwear."
Get it? "Dr. Footwear."
I sell shoes.
Anyhow, he's running this Sunday at Arlington.
The great part is...
he's never won a race!
Al, does this story have a point, or does it just
sort of go on endlessly, like our marriage?
Gee, Peg, when you act like this,
I just want to throw you on the floor
and make love to you.
Either that or just throw you on the floor.
Let's get back to the horse.
They're holding him back to run up the odds,
which, this Sunday,
will be a minimum of 20 to 1.
This is our chance to really make it big.
I've got to get betting money.
Is there anything that we have we don't use anymore
that we can sell?
Yes, but who'd want to buy your toothbrush?
You're such a big help, Peg.
It's like that old saying,
"Behind every empty shell of a man
is one of your relatives."
Ready to take me driving, Daddy?
What's the big rush about getting a license?
I mean, do you think
that driving a car is glamorous?
Well, it's not as glamorous like hitching with pervos,
but I still want to drive.
Well, what about the bus?
Yeah, that's great, Dad, crammed together with
a bunch of sweaty strangers who don't speak any English
except for, "Hey, Blondie, look at this."
Daddy just doesn't want to pay the insurance, dear.
Oh, no, that's my pleasure, Peg,
even though my rates will skyrocket
because you're underage, and I'm paying a special rate
for the Bumper Car Queen over here.
Well, I know why you don't want me to drive,
and it's not the insurance.
Your little girl is growing up,
and you can't bear to let her go, huh?
No, it's the insurance.
Take her out, Al.
Yeah, take her out,
buy her clothes. She needs books.
Get her some medicine.
When will it all end?
Sure, sure, I get one day off a week,
and what do I wind up doing? Spending it with my family.
Oh, God!
Saturday, 11:00 p.m.,
make love.
11:05...
Al goes to sleep.
11:06, finish making love.
Hi, Mom. If anything should happen to me,
don't believe that
I jumped in front of Kelly's car.
She's been telling me when she gets her license,
I'm car meat.
Oh, Bud, she's just teasing you.
The last time she teased me like that,
I woke up bald.
Well, yeah,
but then you got to be Kojak for Halloween.
Kelly's the worst driver in the world.
Daddy got a ticket.
Hi, Kelly.
Hi... car meat.
Mom...
Go out and play, Bud.
Watch out for cars.
I can't believe this.
"Let's have kids."
Now I get a ticket.
Driving with your shoes off, Al?
No. We were stopped for a busted tail-light,
and then Dad got another ticket
because his license expired last month.
Oh, Al, that means it was your birthday last month.
Happy birthday, honey.
You know what this means, Mom,
is that Dad has to take
his driving test with me tomorrow.
Oh, Daddy's growing up so fast.
Oh, get away from me.
That's just what I want to do tomorrow,
spend the day at the DMV, eight hours in line,
with a bunch of foreigners who smell like vegetables.
Naturally, I'll be in the wrong line.
My line will be the one
where they're barbecuing the chihuahua.
Mom, Kelly parked on my skateboard.
Oh, did I?
Good thing you weren't on it, huh?
I'm going to go study.
Can I quiz you, Kel?
Sure.
Where were you last night?
Ha ha ha! Car meat.
What a day off, huh?
Next, Steve and Marcie will come over.
[DOORBELL RINGS]
Guess who!
I give up.
Al, did you know your car has a busted taillight?
And this is my family. It's a great life, huh?
They could pull you over
and give you a ticket for that.
I think they just give you a warning...
unless they really hate you.
Get rid of them.
Would you like some coffee?
Well, actually, we can't stay long.
Steve and I are going to the nursery
to pick up some petunia flats.
Real cool, Steve.
Well, it's not the John Wayne movie
your life is,
but then again, what is?
Anyhow, your car is blocking our driveway.
I could probably get around it,
but I figure, why should I?
Good parking makes good neighbors, right, Al?
You're not really going to make me move my car
for five feet, are you?
Two feet, three inches, Al.
Gee, Al, that's about how far your underwear lands
from the hamper.
Well, you say "I do,"
but you don't really know what it means.
What are you guys doing?
Studying for my driving test.
Okay, Kel, here's another one.
You're walking down the street,
an old man with a dollar
pulls up beside you.
You A) ignore him and keep walking,
B) call the police,
or C) do what you usually do?
Mom, can we get Bud
one of those reflective collars?
Like tiny little bull's eyes in the night.
So, you're finally getting your license, huh?
You're going to love it, Kelly.
Driving gives you real independence.
Yeah, I know what you mean.
You know, I was really getting sick of
that put-out- or-get-out stuff you know?
Yes, that too.
But you know,
a woman doesn't know true equality
till she has the freedom
to come and go as she pleases.
And don't forget
to flirt with your driving instructor.
Then if he makes any advances,
you can sue him for sex discrimination.
How I envy you!
Hey, Steve?
You know that two feet, three inches?
Well, it was just big enough that a cop spotted me
and gave me another ticket for a broken tail-light.
Well, I warned you, Al.
You know, me and you
just have to go hunting one day.
Yeah. I'll get you a pair of antlers to wear.
I thought we were going, Al.
We'll make a day of it.
Dad, are you sure you don't want to study for your driving test?
Driving test?
Al got stopped earlier.
He'd let his license expire,
so now he has to take the test over again.
And we know how well Al did in school.
He's a shoe salesman, you know?
I know what you're thinking, Steve,
but you can't have her, she's mine.
Till deer season.
Ooh.
These tests are brutal.
Ohh, here's one they'll never get me on again.
How many feet in advance do you have to signal
before making a turn
in a business or residential area?
Who cares?
A cop in a business or residential area.
Come on, Al, take a guess.
Two feet, three inches.
BOTH: At least 100 feet.
Very good.
Maybe you'd better study, Al.
I've been driving for 20 years.
I don't have to study.
I passed.
I failed.
Congratulations, Kelly. I'm so proud of you.
Peg, maybe you didn't hear me.
I said, I failed my written test.
Well, I didn't say I was proud of you.
And, Mom, Dad got another ticket
for a broken tail-light
and one for driving without a license.
Oh, I'm sorry, Al. Now I'm proud of you.
Yeah. This is a great little town.
Neighborhood's burning down, no cops.
Robberies every minute, no cops.
I start my car, here comes the Bundy Squad.
Daddy, this is so like you.
I mean, here I've got this great news,
and you have to rain on my parade.
I mean, this is the happiest day of my life.
Well, I'm just glad I could be a small part of it, pumpkin.
What are you so upset about, Al?
Well, let's see, I don't have a license.
What does that mean?
A) better Christmas presents for everyone,
B) the car will be much roomier with me not in it,
or C) the breadwinner can't drive to work,
so we'll all starve.
So there's no problem
with me using the car during the week?
No, no. Go ahead. Take it.
Just don't get it dirty,
because we'll be living in it soon.
Thanks, Dad.
Al, you can always take the test again Monday.
You can make it one weekend
without a car.
Well, I've got to get to work tomorrow?
How am I going to get there?
Between Kelly and me, there will be no problem.
Well...
a special thanks to everyone
who didn't get up this morning to drive me to work.
That's my bike. I reported it stolen.
Well, I'll get arrested for that tomorrow.
Today, I just get a ticket for a broken tail-light.
Peg, I can't believe this.
I got so many tickets,
I don't have any money left to bet on that horse.
Well, there's no rush, honey.
I'm sure he'll still be running
by the time you get your license.
Yuck it up, Peg.
Will you get me some juice, honey?
I'm sorry, Al. We're all out,
and I was just too bored to go to the store.
Now I'm too tired. I'm going out.
Will you get me some juice?
No, I'm too busy.
Kelly...
Oh, get real, Dad.
Nobody drinks juice but you.
Dad, being without a license,
does it make you feel like less than a man?
No, son, that's your mother's job.
Bud, there's this horse that I want to bet on.
How about lending me a couple of bucks, pal?
No juice, no license, no horse...
And thou.
Hi, Al.
Saw you peddling in from work.
You didn't study, did you, Al?
By the way, you know your bike's got a broken tail-light?
Get lost, Steve.
Right back at you.
Steve, wait a second! I didn't recognize you.
Come on in.
What do you want?
Well, we're neighbors.
Can't two neighbors just sit and talk?
What do you want to talk about?
How would you like to increase your money 20-fold?
Already did. I bet you wouldn't pass your driving test.
That's a good one.
No.
I am the proud possessor of some information
that I could be persuaded to sell to you for...
twe... 50 bucks.
Just what does
the twe... 50 bucks buy me, Al?
It's the biggest insider tip of all time.
It's on the stock market.
Well... I'll give you 25.
Deal. I was only kidding. It's really a horse.
Give me my money back, Al.
He's coming in at 20 to 1.
See, that's better than a stock tip.
Stock price doubles, you just make 2 to 1.
This is 20 to 1, Steve. It's 20 to 1.
His name is "Dr. Footwear."
Get it? "Dr. Footwear," see?
I sell shoes.
Anyway, he's guaranteed to win.
Nothing is guaranteed.
Wrong. As long as I live in this world,
I'm guaranteed to wallow in misery,
but this horse is going to win.
All you have to do is take me down there,
and we'll both take limos home.
Well, what time is the race?
2:00. Pick me up at noon?
No can do. Marcie and I are going to a baby shower.
What?
It's the boss' daughter's baby.
So you can't take me to the track?
Get lost.
Well, enough male bonding.
I guess I'll...
drive over to the gas station.
I don't really need gas.
I just like to drive around.
So, what are you going to do, Al?
Pop a few wheelies in the living room?
20 to 1, Steve!
Who needs you? I'll get there myself.
20 to 1, that's $500.
The family can buy a lot of nice stuff for $500...
Then again, so can I.
All right, everybody!
Announcement, announcement.
Today at 2:00,
I have a horse running at Arlington.
I will be there.
The only question before us is
which one of you dependents is going to take me?
Well, Al, all I have to do is go for a manicure.
They're having a special, 11 for the price of 10,
but I should be back in an hour.
Kelly?
Well, two guys are fighting over me
down by the train tracks today.
You know, it really wouldn't look right
if I wasn't there,
but I'll be back in plenty of time.
Good.
Now I'm going to say this slowly so that you'll both understand.
It is very important that we get to the track.
Promise me, promise me
that you will be back in time.
Al, if it's important to you,
we will both be here.
The horses are approaching the starting gate.
Hi, Al. I knew you were home. I saw your bike out front.
How come you're not at the track?
For the same reason I'm not out with sleazy blondes.
I'm married... with children.
Gee, I wish I knew you were stuck here.
We got out of the baby shower early.
Her water broke and we headed for the hills.
We were by the track,
so I figured, what the hell, I put down $100 on that horse.
That's the biggest bet I ever made in my life.
At least we can listen to it together.
Steve, I got to tell you, I got warned off that bet.
Horse is going through some tough personal problems,
getting married or something like that,
so I'll tell you what. I'm feeling guilty.
I'll buy $25 of your bet out of friendship.
Lick my shoe... out of friendship.
And they're off!
Is that a "no," Steve?
It'sBailey Boy in the lead, with Darling Kim second,
Mama's Problem third, then Satin Lover,
B-Movie, Floridora, and Prince Harris.
Bringing up the rear, it's Dr. Footwear.
I'm last?
He's going to win.
He's last, Al. I didn't bet on him.
Heading into the first turn,
it's Darling Kim, Bailey Boy, and Satin Lover.
Dr. Footwear is way behind.
He's way behind.
He's going to win. No, he's not!
Steve, give me $25 of your bet right now,
what do you say?
O--
And here comes Dr. Footwear on the outside!
Lick my shoe, Al.
He's making a tremendous move!
Coming into the clubhouse turn,
it's Darling Kim, Satin Lover, and Dr. Footwear!
Come on, Dr. Footwear!
Trip and die, Dr. Footwear!
Now they're in the home stretch!
Neck and neck,
it's Darling Kim and Dr. Footwear!
At the finish line, it's...
Darling Kim by a nose!
Ah! Ha ha! He did it! He did it!
You lost, and I didn't! Ha ha ha!
Wait!
The steward's inquiry light is on.
He won.
Forget it, Al.
They never disqualify a horse.
No, they don't. Give me 25 bucks of the bet.
And they're taking down number eight.
Darling Kim is disqualified!
And the winner, paying 2290, is...
Dr. Footwear!
$2,290!
I just won over two grand.
Al, I love you.
And you owe me $25.
I can't wait to tell Marcie.
We can invest in mutual bonds.
Peg, you've got the greatest husband in the world.
Why? What happened to Al?
Oh, hi, honey. I'm here. Let's go to the track.
Peg, what time is it?
5 after 2:00.
You know what time the race was?
2:00, but nothing ever starts on time.
Dad, you ready to go?
Family, sit down.
What I have to say will be short and sweet.
You stink.
I left a knife fight just to hear that?
No, this too.
Right now your daddy's a little irritated
because you cost your daddy 500 frigging dollars,
but more important than that--
not more important than that, but as important--
you've shown me how little you care.
So tomorrow, when I go to get my license--
Who's taking you, Dad?
I'll crawl on my face.
And when I come home,
your daddy is not going to give you anything.
Not a smile, no money, no food.
I'm not going to lift a finger to help any of you,
and I don't expect any of you to lift a finger to help me.
From now on,
we have a new Bundy rule--
every man for himself.
Yeah, Mom, Al passed his driving test.
And then the instructor drove over his foot.
Yeah. Al's going to be stuck around the house for a while.
Drive? With that foot?
Oh, you're so right, Mom.
This is not going to be easy for me.
What's that ringing?
That's just Al with his bell.
Daddy, you don't need the car, do you?
What, Al?
Can you get me a beer?
Hold on, Mom.
I've got to get something for Al.
What? The garden is blooming?
Tell me all about it.
Don't you know I'm sitting here in pain?
Aaah! Geez!
Hold on a second, Mom.
I've got to take this upstairs.
I can't hear a thing.
Al, hang this up when I get upstairs.
[By RaceMan, for www.forom.com]